9 Plants only mother nature could love

Who doesn’t love plants? We quite literally can’t live without them. They give us the oxygen we breathe, they feed us, and — whether we’re talking about a forest of pines, the frilly lace-cap hydrangea in your yard, or that cute heartleaf philodendron on your windowsill — they add beauty and delight to our world. 

But let’s be real: A few plants are not so wonderful. In fact, they’re very bad. Like, able to star in “American Horror Story” awful. For the sake of complete transparency (and some useful cocktail-party trivia), we share this list of the planet’s worst, from the toxic to the malodorous, from the invasive to just plain ugly. Talk about the demon seed!

If ingested, the cicutoxin in water hemlock (Cicuta maculata) quickly causes painful, potentially fatal symptoms, as the father of Western philosophy learned all too well. Known as the most violently toxic plant in North America and Europe, water hemlock flowers look like benign Queen Anne’s lace and the root can be confused with parsnips. Foragers, beware!

Only the female ginkgo (Ginkgo biloba; yes, there are male and female trees) smells, but what a noxious odor it emits! That’s because only the gals bear fruit bursting with butyric acid, which some say smells like poop; others say vomit. Either way, not nice. Native to China but popular in the U.S. — it thrives in urban environments — just know to insist “It’s a boy!” if you aim to grow one.

They don’t call titan arum (Amorphophallus titanum) corpse flower because it looks so peaceful. Nope, this impressively tall (up to 12 feet) specimen has the putrid odor of rotten flesh. Fortunately, it’s quite rare, blooms only once every four to six years, and is indigenous to equatorial rainforests, so it’s unlikely to spoil your next picnic.

Few fruits are as controversial as the durian (Durio zibethinus). Though fans insist its creamy yellow innards are delectable, we wonder how they get close enough to eat the thing — the smell has been described as akin to sweaty socks, raw sewage, or turpentine. Though common in Southeast Asia, several nations nonetheless ban durian in elevators, buses, and other public spaces due to its ghastly odor.

Hey, we all make mistakes. Kudzu (Pueraria montana) was imported from Asia in the late 1800s to shade porches in the sunny American South. Then, like a bad houseguest that won’t leave, the invasive vine started covering everything it got its tendrils on, choking out other greenery. Its only known enemies? Goats and pigs, which may be deployed to graze relentlessly in kudzu-infested areas.

Another transplant that naturalists abhor: Japanese knotwood (Fallopia japonica), which has little going for it beyond tenaciousness. Yes, okay, it is green and, fine, its fluffy white flowers bloom in late summer. But the weedy shrub is virtually inescapable and is considered the world’s worst invasive species. Despite its East Asian origins, it’s now found in all 50 states, growing up to 10 feet with roots spreading 65 feet wide. Not only does it wreak havoc with ecosystems, this knotwood is capable of damaging asphalt, concrete, and building foundations. No thank you!

Warm and fuzzy? Anything but. The teddy bear cholla (Cylindropuntia bigelovii), native to northwestern Mexico and deserts in Nevada, Arizona, and California, might more accurately be called the fisherman’s cactus, due to its spikes with hooked tips. Touch this vicious cactus, and you’ll find the barbs as painful coming out as they are going in. The Green Planet host Sir David Attenborough once had a painful run-in with this plant, made all the more memorable because he was wearing protective gloves at the time. This cactus certainly knows how to protect itself!

Depending on where you live, your garden nemesis might be poison ivy, oak, or sumac, or perhaps stinging nettle, wood nettle, or giant hogweed. These nefarious plants secrete an irritating oil, sap, or acid that causes misery when humans make contact. If you wind up itching nonstop after an encounter, may we introduce you to your new BFF: calamine lotion.

Welwitschia (Welwitschia mirabilis), native to Namibia and Angola, won’t be winning any beauty contests. It looks like it’s already dead, with long wilting leaves and parched brown cones, but its deep taproot (up to five feet) efficiently finds water in the African desert. And it’s been around since the Jurassic Period, so give it some points for survival skills.

For all those plants that you do love, check out our products that help them thrive.